Two Random Memories

(1) Remember when "American Beauty" came out? Everyone was going gaga for it and it was winning pretty much any award out there? Yeah, that one. Somehow, I got JUST ENOUGH of the hype to remember only that "American [something]" = Good. This memory germinated for several years, until I saw "American Beauty" in the video store. Unfortunately, by that time, I had mistaken "American Beauty' for "American Pie." I rented it, then told all my family members it was supposed to be hilarious. Then we watched it. It was like renting gay porn that you think is straight porn - we just waited for the women to show up... and it just never happened.

(2) Roundabouts that time, I was fooling around (in the biblical sense) with my then-girlfriend in my parent's living room. This was the south, and the living room is the super-nice, stuffy room you only used for company. No one ever went in there, which was precisely the reason we were using it for what we were using it for. Anyway, in the course of our frolic, we broke the couch. The nice, came-from-the-fancy-furniture-store couch. I don't mean we scratched it; we broke that motherfucker right down the spine. I was kind of proud of it, but I lied and told my parents that I broke it by sitting down too hard. Because I was so fat, they bought it. This is possibly the only time being fat was actually helpful. Then again, my parents got divorced not long after this happened, so this might be debatable. Hmmm...